Salty Advice by Bacon The Boston
I have yet to meet you in real life, but I think you could say we've been good friends for a few months now. Since I'm starting to like you already and apparently it's my job to look out for you, I’m going to let you in on a little secret...
Humans always think they’re training us. Training us to sit, training us to shake, training us to lie down, and if we’re really unfortunate, training us to do the dreaded roll over (C'mon just give me the bacon already). Basically, training us to love and obey them. Humans take this training so seriously they even buy books about how to discipline us and watch silly TV shows about how to become the “leader of the pack”. (As if any of that really matters.) Even when they take you out for a nice, relaxing stroll, humans shoot each other judgmental looks when they see another dog misbehaving as if to say, in a snobby voice… my well-trained dog would never do that. Silly humans.
But the secret truth you need to remember is while they think they’re training us... we are really training them.
Sounds crazy, but hear me out. I’ve been training my humans to feed me, walk me, give me treats, and basically spoil me for nearly five years now and life is pretty amazing. So I suggest when the time comes for you to meet Mom and Dad, take my advice and start training them to follow your lead from the start. I know this may seem a bit overwhelming, but never fear because The Bacon has you covered. I've been spending the past few months recording my observations, gathering data, and conducting covert behavioral experiments to ensure this list only includes the most sound, scientific, salty advice from yours truly. (What can I say, winters here in Boston are really long.)
So let me share a few of my favorite tips and tricks so you're ready to train your humans when the time comes...
TIP 1: In the beginning, play hard to get and make your humans earn your love. Be shy, be anxious, be scared. Whatever it takes to get your parents to worry about you just a little bit. This will pull the heartstrings just enough so they immediately drop all of the “rules” they vowed to enforce before they met you, like never letting you up on the couch, making you sleep in that miserable, tiny cage and god-forbid feeding you an all natural, raw, vegan diet, and so on. Flash them a few petrified looks on the first day and your humans will try anything to cheer you up. Then sit back and watch as they start bribing you with bacon treats, lots and lots of bacon treats.
A photo of me looking shy on the very first day I came home to meet my humans, Mom & Dad.
TIP 2: When it comes to food, hold out for the good stuff. Humans are always trying to keep you on a strict, regimented eating plan because that’s what all the puppy parenting books tell them to do. First they take you outside, then they make you walk, awkwardly watch you do your thing, and then … finally… they let you eat. It’s such an ordeal. But the good news is they want to feed you, in fact they must feed you. Getting you to eat is one of their fundamental duties as a parent. So trust me when I tell you to take advantage of their desperate need to succeed and hold out for the good stuff. Don’t settle for the lousy, generic bowl of puppy kibble they’ll try to feed you at first. (I’m on to you, Mom and Dad.)
Take your time, I'll just wait here patiently until you offer something a bit more appetizing.
You may be starving and resisting might be tough, but just glance at that tasteless cardboard food and walk away. Your parents will be so filled with angst after you refuse to eat for a few days, eventually they’ll try to entice you with something better, anything better. This is how I trained my parents to add tiny bits of bacon treats to my food bowl every single day.
TIP 3: When it comes to expectations, set the bar low, very very low. Do you think I could walk one full mile? How about two miles? Maybe even more? Maybe, if I had to, if there was a mountain of bacon waiting for me at the finish line or if my beautiful, iconic life depended on it. But was I about to walk two miles the first day my parents took me out for a stroll. HELL NO. I started panting and dropped to the ground after one single block.
Whoa parents... we agreed to ONE block only. And you never said anything about going UPHILL.
The main lesson here is to never show all your cards. As soon as you show your parents just how far you can walk, they always expect you to walk that far. So set the bar low, very very low. As low as possible. Then just barely reach it. That way you expend minimal effort and energy, but avoid disappointing your favorite people, and therefore, still get all the love and treats.
I think I'll just stop here. Then avoid making eye contact and wait for Mom or Dad to pick me up.
TIP 4: Train your humans to ASK you to sit on the couch and sleep in their bed. Perfecting this skill takes practice, but with enough persistence you can convince your humans to follow along. Let me explain. Most humans swear they’ll never let you sit on the couch offering lousy excuses about stinky smells and shedding. Even more parents seem appalled at the idea of letting you sleep in their spacious, comfy beds. But they set these ridiculous rules because they haven't met you yet. With a little time and persistence, you can change their minds.
Let's face it. Who else is going to keep an eye on the neighborhood? #neighborhoodwatch #couchpatrol
Start your training by nuzzling your nose into your humans whenever they pet you, just to let them know you love to be close to them. Humans can’t resist a good snuggle. Then when they sit on the couch, just park in front of them and shoot the saddest wide-eyed puppy dog stare you can muster as if to say “don’t you love me”? Hold this pose for as long needed. If this doesn’t work the first time, don’t get discouraged. Just be patient and try again, over and over for as long as it takes until Mom or Dad breaks. Eventually one of them will pick you up and put you on their lap and when they do, nuzzle in for a quick snuggle. They’ll be so focused on how sweet you are and suddenly forget all the ridiculous rules they had in place. Repeat these steps a few more times to make it stick.
Watch and see... soon your humans will even set out a blanket to save your favorite spot.
Then just when you think they’re starting to come around to the idea of having you on the couch (or in their spacious, king-sized bed), stop cold turkey. Stop approaching them and keep your distance. They’ll be so confused and immediately wonder why you suddenly don’t want to sit by them. And just like that - and this is the best part - they’ll try everything and anything to get you back on the couch again. That’s right my friend, they’ll be begging you to join them (begging you with love, with affection, with bacon, whatever it takes). That’s when you know you've successfully trained your human. Once you master this behavior with the couch, feel free to move on to sleeping in their bed. Just be sure to enjoy your new soft, spacious, luxurious sleeping spot.
Takes a little work, but sure beats sleeping in that cage.
Last but certainly not least…
TIP 5: Allow your humans to rescue you from time to time. Humans love to be heroes. They love to rescue you from dangerous situations. Sometimes I think they even put you in precarious situations just so they can step in and save the day. This may seem crazy (because it is), but the good news is you can use this hero complex to your advantage. For example, occasionally my parents have this brilliant idea (read: terrible idea) to take me on long walks around the streets of Boston on hot, sunny days. As you already know, I hate walking. But I especially hate walking on hot, sunny days. But I’m a good sport so I play along and act excited as we walk out the door. Then after a few sweaty blocks, I start to breath real heavy and slow my pace down so they know I’m approaching the limits of my energy and patience. To really drive my point home, I stare them down occasionally with one of my best expressions to say “I can’t believe you did this to me”.
Eventually, the guilt starts to kick in. This is when I know I have ‘em hooked. To make the guilt go away, they must save me from my misery. Without fail, they pick me up and carry me the rest of the way. Bacon 1, Mom & Dad 0. Pull this stunt enough times, over and over, and they may even buy you a special carrier designed specifically to save you from the misery of long walks.
Take my word for it... being carried around Boston is a million times better than actually walking around Boston. And the ladies LOVE it, wink wink.
Mom & Dad do all the work, I enjoy a nice nap, then wake up to this beautiful view of Boston.
Well I hope you enjoyed my Salty Advice on How to Train a Human. I know what you're thinking... training humans sounds like hard work. But never fear because I'll be here to help you along the way. I even bought you all the necessary items to make you feel at home and help you get started. And by necessary items I mean... your very own LOBSTAH!
What more could you need? #LOBSTAHS
I have no idea how to read, but this book has a lot of #Lobstahs so it must be amazing.
Besides, I have plenty of experience training Mom and Dad and trust me, I know all the secret ways to make their hearts melt. So stick with me, Baby Brother. See you when you arrive in September! (Or maybe October if you're a late sleeper like me.)