It’s been a loooong six months since my last blog post, when I told you all how I was anxiously preparing for my baby brother’s arrival. (And by preparing, I meant dreading but let’s not get caught up in the details.) So if you’re counting, that means my brother is officially 6 months old!
I must admit I was excited to meet the little guy. I had been sending him subliminal messages since I first found out about him…
Bacon is the best dog in the whole wide world.
Bacon can be trusted with all of your toys.
Bacon is starving and needs food at all times to survive, you should feed Bacon.
You know… casual small talk like that.
I'll just leave this subtle hint here...
So I was excited to finally meet him to see if my propaganda campaign was working (What can I say, I’ve learned a few things from watching hours and hours of cable news). Turns out, he loves me. Well maybe not so much in the very beginning because Mom says he couldn’t see a brick wall if it hit him in the face. (Apparently newborns are born with worse vision than Boston Terriers like me, and that's saying something). And even though my personality is very charming, I'll be the first to admit my good looks are really what seals the deal. Eventually my patience paid off and now that this baby can finally see clearly, he can’t get enough of me.
No seriously, it’s starting to get a little dangerous over here.
Another day, another swift kick to the face
So in honor of my brother’s half birthday (or should I say, 3.5 years in dog years), I’d like to share a few things I've learned about babies over the past 6 months that really drive me insane, errr I mean, surprise me…
1) Oh the NOISE
Now I’ve seen a few brand new puppies in my day, so I had a basic idea of what to expect with this baby. I knew he’d be tiny and attached to Mom at all times and judging from his “baby gear” I had a feeling he’d take over every square inch of space I previously claimed. But one thing I didn’t anticipate was the noise. ALL THE NOISE. How does a creature so small make so much noise?? And at all hours of the day??
Oh the NOISE. Oh the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE, NOISE.
That’s one thing he hated, the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE, NOISE.
- How The Grinch Stole Christmas, one of my brother’s favorite books which I have now heard 72 times.
This baby gets an A+ for best pouty face, not to mention that very dapper tie
In the beginning it was mostly crying, which to be quite frank, I don’t really understand. I mean puppies don’t cry. I don’t cry. What is the purpose of crying?? But soon the crying became less and less and finally I thought I was getting a break from all the racket and things were going back to the way they used to be – with me enjoying a quiet, peaceful nap 20-22 hours a day. And then the babbling started. And the cooing. And now the giggling. And the endless bouncing in the jumperoo. And how could I forget the toys. ALL THE TOYS MAKE NOISE. Every. Single. Toy. As it turns out, babies love noise. Just for the record, none of my toys make any noise (well, not since I removed all the squeekers.) Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take the giggling over the crying any day, but I’d still like to take the occasional uninterrupted four hour nap. Is that too much to ask?
2) No Respect for the Chain of Command
i can see the wheels spinning in his head already... planning to overthrow yours truly from the top dog spot.
Listen, kid. I’ve spent the past five years putting in my time with these parents. Licking their faces, walking in pointless circles around the neighborhood, cuddling on the couch for hours and hours, and posing in more ridiculous photos than I can count. Not to mention, I literally picked up my entire life ... two beds and all four stuffed animals... and moved not once, but twice – from Columbus to Boston then from Boston to Kansas City just to be with Mom and Dad. So you’d think after all my efforts, I’d hold a pretty firm, respectable place in this family tree. But then my baby brother comes along, and starts demanding attention from day one. As if all of my hard work doesn't even count. I mean how about a little respect for the established order? The good news is that my parents can sense my anxiety with the situation and have decided to ease my concerns (and probably their own guilt) with extra treats. So I guess I'll cut my brother some slack for now, but only because I've heard rumors that soon he'll start dropping food left and right and all my patience will turn into tasty, delicious fortune.
3) Babies Know Absolutely Nothing
Here we are learning the basic skill of "sitting up" at Christmas. He's still working on this one.
I knew this baby would take some training, but I had no idea I would have to teach him literally everything. Every. Single. Thing. How to sleep, how to eat, how to roll over (by the way, I mastered that trick in about two days), how to sit up, how to bark. It practically took him 6 months to find his own toes. We’re basically starting from scratch. Turns out I may need an extension on my training timeline. He has learned one valuable lesson from me so far – how to destroy all of his toys. Which I must admit, does make me kind of proud.
Turns out training is a lot harder when you can't bride the baby with bacon treats
4) Nobody Watches the Baby’s Weight
Maybe it’s his steady diet of protein shakes or the fact that this kid does not miss a meal, but he is literally multiplying in size, and no one seems to care. Mom doesn’t care, Dad doesn’t care. They just pat him on the back and jokingly call him “Big Ben”. But then when it comes to his poor brother, yours truly… all I hear is... Only a few slices of bacon for breakfast buddy. Just one spoonful of peanut butter this morning. Dad already gave you enough fried chicken. Remember how the doctor said you have to lose a few pounds? Blah blah blah. I mean not everyone respects a well-proportioned pup like me. Babies on the other hand, are apparently allowed to grow at record speed without so much as a “walk around the neighborhood to stretch your legs”. Look I can’t help it if I like to eat. In fact, I’ve heard some pups do this thing called stress eating and these haven’t exactly been the easiest 6 months of my life (see numbers 1-3 above). So give a dog a bone will you.
No but seriously… feel free to send treats.
5) Age by Months
Why does everyone talk about how old babies are in terms of months?? What’s wrong with counting in years like every other person or puppy in the world? I mean seriously, is 5 months really so different from 6 months? Not to mention, the parents like mine who have constant baby brain and can’t remember exactly how many months + weeks + days their cute bundle of joy is and I’m over here like… (insert eye roll) feel free to round up people! I mean how about we all just agree to stick to the significant digits. No need to get too crazy.
Some might say the reason why parents use months to describe a baby’s age is because relative to the length of his life so far, each month represents a huge portion. Well then I would like to kindly point out that relative to the length of my entire life, each month is also a huge portion! And you know what people do to dogs? Instead of breaking our age down into smaller portions, they multiply it by seven. So instead of seeming younger, after a little mental math, we automatically seem over the hill. For example, humans like to say I'm 56 years old, going on 63! It’s a cruel joke on us pups. So from here on out, I would officially like you all to describe me in what I am now referring to as “baby years” … a young 105 months old. Boom, take that baby brother.
On a related note, when can we stop these monthly photo ops? #askingforafriend
Bacon 8 years. Baby Brother 0 years. I'm only in this for the treats people.
6) Babies Make Terrible Models
Speaking of monthly photo ops... this brings me to my final pet peeve about babies. Turns out, babies make terrible models. My baby brother can't sit still to save his life. He makes no eye contact with the camera. And he's always going out of his way to distract me. And I'm pretty sure his modeling skills are getting worse by the month. Case in point...
Month 1:
A little fussy but at least he's sitting still
Month 2:
Making funny faces? Seriously? How old are you? Nevermind, don't answer that.
Month 3:
Try to stay focused
Month 4:
Easily distracted by basically anything
Month 5:
Has lost all self control
And finally, Month 6:
Co-modeling is becoming quite dangerous
Obviously, his Blue Steel could use a little work. The question is, will his modeling skills get better or worse next month?
Only time will tell.
Until then, you can find me in the safety of my own bed... where I'll be keeping a close eye on my baby brother from a safe distance, far far out of reach. Because despite all the things I just said, that crazy little baby is actually starting to grow on me.
Until next time,
- Bacon the Boston